Griffins

Over the River

2011-11-21T20:06:00.012-06:00

Happy birthday, Plum.

(After I retrieve some photos of her party from my dad's IPhone camera - very nifty, it is - I might just post them.)

This year has been my hardest yet, and that is absolutely no exaggeration. I often feel like a stranger to myself, like the old girl isn't home, isn't inhabiting that space any longer. I fear death, my own mortality, because of a terror that I haven't been perfect, that I haven't always shown love when I've wanted to. I am learning the importance of being compassionate with myself. Now is the time for compassion.

We finally decided on Eleonora's second middle name a few months ago. All of our children have four names, and all of their names came fairly simply, except for hers. Well, that's not true. Plumbago, I knew from the start. I knew before I was pregnant. Before I knew she was going to be a girl, I just knew she was Plumbago, because, actually, I love to walk, and in San Antonio, you can always see the plumbagos growing alongside the Mexican bird of paradise, (that pride of Barbados) and the esperanzas. The lead blue petals weave through their shrubs almost all throughout the year. They are small and unassuming, but they are striking and they stay around. They do. I love how the word slips off of your tongue like a festival, a carnival. But Zach urged me (laughed at me?) to use it as a second name. Not as a first name.

We decided on Eleonora after a few days, and then teetered for months. It is my great aunt's name, and she has always gone by Noni. It wasn't on our "list", she was going to be Neve or Hazel, Annot (still one of my favorites), Elsbet (an homage to my great grandmother), or Zuri. But as some of you know, sometimes children are already named, in a way, and there isn't much to do about it. After she was born, I tried to conjure up the perfect second middle name, but nothing came. I mean, some names came, and we used them, but they never felt right. They felt manufactured, a bit.

Anyhow, we've settled on Maris, and it feels like her third name, which is always the goal, don't you think? When I was pregnant, some of my very dear friends planned a blessingway for me, and that day they introduced me to Mary Oliver. How could I have never read her before? So, Maris: for Mary, who in many ways, got me through this first year, through the last third of my pregnancy, through the early months of Plum's life. And Maris, because of the vastness of the ocean, with her mystery and rhythm and terrible power; Maris because of the poet who still writes there, by the water.

Dogfish
Mary Oliver

Some kind of relaxed and beautiful thing
kept flickering in with the tide
and looking around.
Black as a fisherman's boot,
with a white belly.

If you asked for a picture I would have to draw a smile
under the perfectly round eyes and above the chin,
which was rough
as a thousand sharpened nails.

And you know
what a smile means,
don't you?

*

I wanted the past to go away, I wanted
to leave it, like another country; I wanted
my life to close, and open
like a hinge, like a wing, like the part of the song
where it falls
down over the rocks: an explosion, a discovery;
I wanted
to hurry into the work of my life; I wanted to know,

whoever I was, I was

alive
for a little while.

*

It was evening, and no longer summer.
Three small fish, I don't know what they were,
huddled in the highest ripples
as it came swimming in again, effortless, the whole body
one gesture, one black sleeve
that could fit easily around
the bodies of three small fish.

*

Also I wanted
to be able to love. And we all know
how that one goes,
don't we?

Slowly

*

the dogfish tore open the soft basins of water.

*

You don't want to hear the story
of my life, and anyway
I don't want to tell it, I want to listen

to the enormous waterfalls of the sun.

And anyway it's the same old story - - -
a few people just trying,
one way or another,
to survive.

Mostly, I want to be kind.
And nobody, of course, is kind,
or mean,
for a simple reason.

And nobody gets out of it, having to
swim through the fires to stay in
this world.

*

And look! look! look! I think those little fish
better wake up and dash themselves away
from the hopeless future that is
bulging toward them.

*

And probably,
if they don't waste time
looking for an easier world,

they can do it.

Noni is a dream. I am just so glad she's here.

That's all I'm going to say about her.

If you'd like to click on over and watch her birth video, you sure can. Actually, maybe, what you can do, is go to youtube.com and type in Noni's Birth, and there you'll have it. Excuse my ineptness for the time being. Or perhaps that link will work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hW4u9arx6o

End of Summer Heat - Photo Heavy

2011-08-24T19:14:00.007-05:00

The boys and I made an end of summer list on Monday. It includes things like: Make ice cream one last time! (last? not in TX) Make popsicles! (which we did, some dreamsicle type lollies full of raw milk, backyard egg yolks, and leftover fancy schmancy orange soda from B's birthday) Camp at Pedernales again! (Laith went solo with Zach in the spring and he really wants to show Bela how "gorgeous" it is...Bela doesn't know that word. It means beautiful, says Laith, with hand motions. Waterfalls, and hills to climb!)

I've sort of gathered a loose homeschooling schedule for Laith this year. We'll start after the fall officially comes. Sept 20something. He is an intense kid. I mean, really intense. I love everything I've read about unschooling, but he needs structure. A job. Like a German Shepherd. Or an animal at the zoo. He needs to know he has accomplished something and done it right. Correctly! I do love John Holt, though, and the respect he gives children and the light he sheds on their vast innate abilities is profound. Sometimes we think of unschooling as sitting around in your pajamas watching movies. :) With no goal. I know I tend to think of it that way. Though it probably isn't altogether accurate. Not by a long shot. But anyway, pajama sitting wouldn't really work for us. Holt really stresses the importance of building a rich learning environment in your home. Which means, you, the adult, need to like learning, too. And trust your child. They desire to learn, those kids.

Anyhow, I have the book set of The Humanistic Tradition from college, a historic/cultural survey, and I'm going to structure a year long curriculum (8 month) based on the 1st book and a half . And then we're going to start the Alpha Phonics lessons, which we wet our feet with in the spring. And we'll get back to our chapter books (probably more My Side of the Mt. trilogy, Chronicles of Narnia, some of my mom's old hardcover mysteries from when she was a kid), tangible math, and delve into some serious ocean study, because Laith loves the ocean. The creatures. Just the whole idea of it sends him into a whirl. Probably no more than 1.5 or 2 hrs per day, 3 days a week. Marry that with two hiking days per week, and we're set. Today was one such day, and it is sweltering. But naps are better after a morning in the woods.

Zach graduates in about 3 months and I'm feeling a bit of the anxiety that comes with transition. Moving around so terribly much is hard, for me anyhow. I feel uneasy; there's a lack of a sense of belonging which doesn't mix well with my propensity for nearly crippling existential angst. And that! Is the truth of it. I'm trying to keep above water and hold on to each fresh moment as a gift; I am grateful.

I signed up for the 1/2 marathon in Nov! It is a good challenge for me, especially running barefoot/minimalistically. :)

Also, I timed myself in the kitchen today and I've already spent a good 3.5 hours in there. I must be so inefficient. I'm not even finished!

All right. Off to rock my little Eleonora to sleep. And log some more time in said kitchen.

Past Few Moments

2011-06-13T22:39:00.007-05:00

A friday ritual - this moment

2011-04-15T11:31:00.002-05:00

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

from Soulemama

Purim (ie 20000 Leagues Under the Sea) and What I am Reading This Day

2011-04-13T13:40:00.006-05:00

We celebrated Purim at the local reform temple in our neighborhood a few weeks ago. Laith really, really, REALLY loves the ocean. And loves 20000 Leagues Under the Sea, the old Disney film. I think it will crop up on our read-aloud list soon. Zach, in his genius crafty man fashion, worked this little ditty out for Bela in the wee hours of the morning before Purim. I was surprised at what a great job he did. We were housesitting at the time, and considering my own uncraftiness, I decided it would be in everyone's best interest if I stayed up watching old sitcoms, wasting my brain on vulgar Lifetime movies, etc. I have NO self-control around television. So good we don't have one. So good. But anyhow, don't they just look wonderful? Bela actually won the best animal costume contest, and only a handful of clever folks knew who Laith was. It was easier to figure him out when he was with his little brother. It's a package deal, as they say. I found that little vintage blazer on etsy, and I wish it would fit me.

...and, I've been wanting to post what I am currently reading, just to put it out there. Generally I trot from book to book haphazardly and rarely give myself the opportunity to let the words sink in and settle. Putting it out there feels good, it reminds me to slow down, to only read one (maybe two? let's not be unreasonable) things simultaneously. Ideally, I'd like to have a non-fiction and a fiction on my list, finish those, and then move right along, but right now I'm in the world of solely non-fiction. That is what being a mother has done to me.

Anyhow, I'm currently reading Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali. I am really loving it. I am not Buddhist, and I believe you could enjoy it either way you swing, and really learn from it, but it surely is an approachable way to learn about some of Buddhism's basic teachings. Unfortunately I don't have much time to really go into this right now; rest time is nearing an end and it will soon be time to go "mountain" biking with my little boys, but this book is wonderful and I'll probably reread parts of it. I have enjoyed learning about meditation and especially like the chapter about partners. Through reading, I've been inspired to visit a Buddhist temple about 2 miles from us, downtown, that offers free meditation instruction on Sundays. I'd love to go some Sunday morning, just for a bit.

I am also working through The Jew in the Lotus. by Roger Kamenetz. From what I understand, this is one of the books that sparked the Jewish Renewal movement, something I am very interested in, but don't know much about physically. There is a community in Austin, but not here...I am not far in; I believe it is one of those books that takes about 75-100 pages to get into, I often felt that way reading Hemingway, and then you can't put it down. That's what I hear, through the grapevine, anyhow. I'll let you know how it goes.

I hope to work in some fiction after I finish these two books.

The boys and I are still traipsing through On The Far Side of the Mountain. Though, we've been walking to the library every week, and it is slowing us down when it comes to chapter books. I don't see it as a negative thing at all, but I would like to work through our chapter books faster. Laith has desperately wanting to bring home Beowulf for the past 2 weeks, but I want to finish what we've started. One chapter book at a time, I say, lest he starts walking my way.

There you have it.

Some sidenotes: Don't Bela and Zach look alike?

Isn't Noni delicious? Her puffy cheeks and dimpled chin, OH MY. I was never a girly-girl but it IS fun to put a skirt on someone. It really is.

We only have one chicken now. Two have been killed/partially eaten by Pancho. Ugh. Zach is going to build a sturdier tractor soon. Poor ladies.

All right, off to tend to some kitchen work.

Backyard Chickens & Photos

2011-04-03T15:57:00.004-05:00

Today, we are getting 3 ladies from a friend reducing her flock. I've been busy looking up homemade feeds and hoping Pancho will treat them friendly-like.

Also, we have a cat. I do love her. Z picked her up on a whim a few weeks ago. Her job is reducing Pancho's predator instinct. Her name is Flossie.

Good afternoon. Off to cook some migas.

PS We finished My Side of the Mountain and are well into On the Far Side...I feel like Sam is a part of our family now! He comes up frequently in all kinds of discussions, on bike rides, at the dinner table. That's a great trilogy for reading aloud, those of you who like to read aloud.

Yesterday, you were 5! (And today you are, too.)

2011-03-21T15:34:00.013-05:00

Laith had a busy week/weekend. Many things were stitched together to celebrate his 5 years on this earth. It was a bit of a contemplative week for me as well. 5 years ago, my life took a very different turn. 5 years! David Bowie?

First(ly), he went camping with Zach at Pedernales Falls. Just for a night, and with our new puppy, a husky/lab mix, Pancho Villa. He's about Noni's age, so no forgetting. Bela and I ate sushi, watched Kipper, slept in, and cuddled with Noni (un par de ojitos negros! My plum, and doesn't she just look like one?) Bela really can sleep. 7:30 pm to 9:15 am!

Then, as per his request for the past year, we met my parents at the Tower of the Americas, or the needle, or whatever you want to call it. I felt a bit dizzy, but drank a mango mohito quickly, quickly, and felt better.

Then, on Sunday, he woke up, we sang Happy Birthday to him, took him to a gluten-free restaurant for waffles and eggs, he opened some gifts: modeling beeswax, colored pencils and a sharpener, the book Old Turtle and the Broken Truth, his own notebook, or journal, as he says, (though he cannot yet write he is eager to learn!).

Then, THEN, we went to Brackenridge Park where he (and Bela) received one of those pedal-less bicycles. When one boy gets a bike in this family, the other one does, too. We played around for a few hours; Pancho, too.

When we arrived home, the boys napped, I left alone to go read and bake a cake at a friend's home and attempted to shape it like a helicopter on a piece of earth. I was thanked for that. We had a simple roast chicken and swiss chard, ice cream and double chocolate cake with raspberries. Laith blew out the candles, opened up the book Zen Shorts, the boys washed up, we read them the book, and we all went to bed.

Today I've been catching up on cleaning.

Noni has been diaperless for about a week, save when I'm out running an errand, and so that means more laundry.

5 years!

Food and the City

2011-03-09T09:41:00.008-06:00

So. I watched Food, Inc last night. I can't believe I hadn't seen it before.

All that to say, we won't be eating meat that comes from God knows where anymore.

Ever since we moved to San Antonio, we began to get into the habit of eating inhumane meat. We started being very tolerant of eating meat and not knowing its whereabouts: restaurants, the homes of friends and relatives, etc.

I can't even believe we've been able to turn a blind eye. It's so much easier to be particular about the way you are eating, obviously, living where either you or your friends are slaughtering the meat you consume, or, at the very least, raising it.

The evil in that movie astounds me.

It really isn't a hard thing to do, eat meat less, make sure you know the source. (And I mean, REALLY know it.) For me, the difficulty comes in people pleasing, especially relatives, and all of my compromises (or most) tend to spring from this area of wanting others to approve of my decisions.

But, no more! Back to basics.

We used to just be vegetarian, for YEARS, and only eat meat when we had retrieved it from a farm, or if it was from a farm where we were residing. That system worked well. No confusion.

Here's to being back on that path.

I'm sure most of you have watched that film, but if you haven't, or even if you have, watch it, or watch it again.

I actually watched it twice last night because Zach didn't get home from studying until past midnight. I read, cleaned, bathed Plum, puttered, and tried to sleep, but I really can't when he's away.

So I watched it.

And then puttered around the house, fed my girl, and watched it again.

I'd love to hear thoughts on this film.

Adios.

this moment - cheat throwback (throwforward?) from Friday

2011-02-28T15:57:00.006-06:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Us lately

2011-02-17T22:17:00.011-06:00

A hike* at Medina River, afternoons at the park, playing trains in the morning, jellyfaces bundled up inside, reading stories, homemade NYC subways from scrap wood, bamboo sword fighting, all the faces I love dearly...and my daughter and me and my tired eyes. (Laith has taken to breakfasting just after 5am, somedays.) Hmm.

Photos courtesy of all of us, save for Bela and Noni who aren't yet ready to wield the camera. It means different things for different people.

*time spent walking very slowly for about 2.5 hours and covering half of a mile. It's about the process.

A little show

2011-02-03T01:20:00.002-06:00

First time with the computer-video stuff. Does it work?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hW4u9arx6o

And a little photo for you, see above.

A Family Affair - 6 weeks later

2011-01-05T15:35:00.008-06:00

We are all in love with our little Noni Plumbago. Happy 2011.

Just one picture (of Noni)...and unfortunately it is small.

2010-12-04T15:59:00.007-06:00

So, I still need to write Noni's birth story, and include the pictures from our camera of her, BUT, above are some from Zach's parents just to tide you over.

Whoever you are.

She looks a lot like Laith did as an infant, but, I think, prettier. I just love her face.

I also included some old school pictures of WHRI. Allan was here for a week to help with the boys (a LIFESAVER) and we dug up those old shots.

More to come soon! Along with her birth story.

Noni girl, early bird

2010-11-22T10:22:00.008-06:00

Random smattering of labor pictures...some taken by Laith!

Noni was born Sunday morning at 2:30am after about 3.5 hrs of "labor", though I'd been having strong sensations off and on since Friday around dinnertime. Waters started leaking (shooting out!) on Saturday at lunchtime at the mall (the mall?! my least favorite, rarely frequented place - what are the odds), with my boys. Thankfully my mom was meeting me there, so it was not so overwhelming.

Her birth was such a gift in so many ways. I felt very loved and cared for, and very respected and strong. She was born among people I really feel close to, and no one else. Including, of course, my boys and Zach. She was 1 week or more early, and was 21 inches, 7 lbs 10 ounces at birth. She bears much resemblance to her wild older brothers, I think.

We're still thinking of middle names. We have some time.

More pictures (especially of her) to come.

2010-10-16T11:06:00.008-05:00

34 weeks here (that means 6 weeks until the beginning of season 3.) I've got a few things to take care of before that time comes.

Those mosquitoes are still out and about constantly. I suppose we need a frost for that situation to change. We are enjoying the cool evenings and cooler days. (85 degrees, midday, isn't bad!)

Also, the boys dress themselves these days, with all sorts of accessories. Quite creative.

Right now we're reading through The Incredible Journey for our long chapter book, after finishing The Silver Chair and The Dawn Treader. We never finished Farewell to Arms. I felt like the violence was a bit much for now, especially with two boys who already glorify the stuff. Laith loves stories, but lately he'd rather have me read aloud from Zach's biology and chemistry books, or from National Geos my dad has been donating to the cause. He's also told me he's not into drawing, crafts, or coloring. His favorite quiet thing to do is building with lots of old junky screws and metal parts from the garage that we collected in a little bowl for him. Bela is very busy and not too interested in sitting for reading, or anything. He will draw for a few minutes at a time but for the most part he likes practicing dangerous tricks like jumping from all heights, pretending all throughout the day, and destroying things, without spite, just lots of energy and poor discernment :) . They play together well now, with plenty of fighting and conflict, of course. But they like playing pirate and submarine and hunting, and they love sleeping together for naps and night-times, cuddled up close with their arms around each other. I love watching them become best friends.

Happy fall!

2010-07-13T15:13:00.006-05:00

Bela is talking so much now, and I actually understand most of it. I was making salad smoothies today (in my ancient food processor), and as he waited, he kept repeating, "I want smoothie time. " He is more and more demanding as he gets older; trying to keep up with his older brother, I suppose. Apparently there's a lot to fight for around here. I understand that's just how young siblings are. They do enjoy each other more, the older they get. He loves to run and kick the soccer ball, he usually eats more than I do, and he does keep up with Laith, most of the time.

Laith picked out A Farewell to Arms for us to begin reading last night. He was asking about my books and I told him he could pick one, and we'd have an adventure that would take us weeks to finish. We've already read 3 chapters as of this afternoon. Of course, I omit the age-inappropriate debauchery. He sits very well for it, usually leaning against me, and sometimes he works on building airplanes from blocks when he's got more energy. I'm surprised he begs for more. I think he likes the allusions to shell fire and cannons and hunting in the winter. Someday, when he's older, he'll realize that all along he's only been familiar with a skeleton of the story.

Oh, these pictures are from late last winter.

2010-07-05T17:14:00.005-05:00

A few pictures from this week:

(Laith has recently developed an untimely obsession with winter clothing.) Thankfully Bela is not following suit, despite Laith's attempts at enticing him with long underwear.